Stop Sleeping with your phone

When we set out to achieve a goal, whether it’s fitness related, a New Year’s resolution if you want to quit a bad habit or start a new hobby; the biggest challenge can be in the days following your initial successful attempts. This is where we begin to wane and resort back to our previous behaviour: forgetting about our plan, begin to feel a bit rubbish, then ultimately enough days pass and we give up.

What if I told you that this is completely normal? Well, it is, for the majority of us at least. That is especially when you start something new. We hear all the time it takes 21 days to form a new habit and as much as that is true, there is a way you can begin to change your behaviour to create these habits and goals long before you start to feel the pressure of failing, or not succeeding in the method you intended.

In 2020 after an evening watching Netflix (The Social Dilemma) I felt instantly very self-aware of how I was overly ruled by the demanding device in my hand. It’s like a small toddler constantly yelling at me until I do nothing but pay100% of my attention to it. Parents of children might be used to this, but I am most certainly not.

It’s worth mentioning, I didn’t completely quit social media and I don’t want to, but that night I did go to bed without the phone, in fact, I didn’t even pick it up to put it on charge overnight. This was so unlike me, but at the time it felt dirty. I was rebelling. Suffragette style, I had been informed and I was using this new information to act albeit in an extreme way. Go me!

The next day I obviously succumbed to its whines, recharged it and continued on as normal. But the realisation hadn’t gone away. Later, I was discussing it with my friends and all the time really remembering the feeling of detachment I had had that night. I was thinking about how I could regain control without having to buy a Nokia 6310 and move to the hills. The truth is I do like social media. So much on there is really positive when you make it that way. My business is on there, I like it. So I don’t want to disappear to the hills and hug a tree to feel connected. I just want to take back control.

“How can I do that?” Is something I pondered over for a few months. One evening I was popping up to bed at the same time as my Dad and noticed he plugged his phone in and left it downstairs. He has always done this. It wasn’t new, but remember, I was holding new knowledge; I had been informed, I was aware.

So I thought about it, Could I leave my phone downstairs and go to bed without it? I mean, the answer is of course “Yes!” Although, I was instantly contradicted by the votes in my head, what about your alarm? What if someone calls? What if? What if? What if? Excuses! I parked the thought but didn’t disregard it. I did wonder more about the “How?” More to the point, how I could move towards it?

The reality was, at this point, I wasn’t setting alarms. I had nowhere to be (we were in lockdown) and I was waking up at the same time most days anyway. I guess this is very key to the behavioural change. Take note — a whole year of being in lockdown — I had already sorted the issue of my body clock. I just had to fine tune it. I had a smart watch so if I woke up in the middle of the night and on the off chance became terrified I had slept for 3 weeks, I could still check the time. What is the problem, I know, I am getting there, keep reading!

The first thing I did was, and this is what The Social Dilemma talks about, was to figure out how much I am controlled by my notifications: that dirty word. It was there I realised that the default setting for notifications on an iPhone is to do some kind of mating dance and distract you every time a social media app decided it had something for you. So, I turned them off. Silenced; I didn’t realise how much they grabbed you in a “Yoo-hoo! Over here, I’ve got something for you” way.

You are realising it now, aren’t you? In fact I’ve just had a conversation with a friend who was reading another article I wrote and he told me he hadn’t finished it because he got distracted by notifications on his phone.

With all my notifications off, I turned to trying to figure out which of the ones I had on that were necessary. To summarise, I turned them off on absolutely everything except phone calls, text messages and WhatsApp. Basically if I put my phone on the table facing up. Unless one of those three things were activated, my phone was as good as off. This made for a few missed moments but, guess what; the world didn’t implode and I’m still here.

Over time, I found that I didn’t feel constantly distracted by its bright flashes for attention, so needy. I was more distracted by other people’s notifications. I resisted my high and mighty comments and continued to become more and more aware of how this had changed my behaviour and that’s all I had control over, me and the choices I was making for my reasons.

I was still secretly in awe of how my Dad didn’t take his phone to bed, in fact I noticed later, he would often leave it on the side and watch a whole movie without even looking for it. Now granted he’s a Baby Boomer and I’m a millennial. He hasn’t got a clue what a TikTok is and I’m a pretty big deal in those circles (not true) but I’m not blind to the fact that he is not actively on social media. It’s not really the point, he does have an account and he is tech savvy where he wants to be. It’s the habit of not taking the phone to the place where I sleep that is my new small obsession here.

Let’s take a quantum leap in time and fast forward to January 2021. I was back home in London and I hadn’t really made any New Year’s resolutions. I was a bit distracted with testicular cancer to be thinking about what I wanted to stop, start, continue on January 1st. It was not on my radar, until it was. I flew back to London on the 1st and normally when I’m travelling I like listening to podcasts and interviews. I was listening to one about making new habits and it said something about “Give it a week”. Try 7 days and reassess the situation then. BANG. There it was. It just clicked.

I had already worked this method with other aspects of my life before: smoking, drinking alcohol, doing yoga, starting running; taking the smallest dose and only focusing on a short term feeling and goal. It’s what I do with my clients in coaching sessions. We talk about “manageable goals” and staying “accountable” to yourself, especially when you are making changes in your life.

The 1st of January was my “Day One.” I sat down for dinner with my housemate and we talked about plans and hopes and dreams for the new year ahead. Scrap that we discussed how we would make the most of the lockdown we were going to be plunged into. I spoke about my new phone out of the bedroom routine. She supported it but was not planning to take part, but that’s understandable, Natasha hadn’t been thinking about it as much as me or for as long. I’m not sure if she had even seen “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix at this point.

On day one I plugged it in at midnight and the next time I check a notification will be when I drag my ass back to the kitchen in the morning. I left a note with Natasha to not let me sleep all day. So we arrange to meet at 8.15am for a coffee. I jumped into bed. Wrote about it all in my journal and went to sleep.

I had an appointment and intention for the next morning so I woke at 8.10 (my apple watch told me this) but not an alarm. This was an interesting realisation in the moment and I was now thinking of how dependent on an alarm I was, but let’s talk about that another time. See what I did there?

I gave it a week. The first thing I did every morning was open the curtain. Stretch and make my bed. Sometimes I even washed the dishes from the night before and made the coffee before I even looked at the phone. This meant it was a good 30 mins after opening my eyes before I had given anyone outside my physical window my attention. I felt the power in that. 7 days later I had really enjoyed the feeling of achievement too. So I set myself a goal for another 7 days, only another 7 days. I’m changing a behaviour and understanding how I am feeling about it. I was in no position on the 7th of January to be predicting my whole year, or the month for that matter. One week at a time is enough for now.

Well, what happened? You are obviously reading this almost a year later. The answer is — Yes! I did it. Give or take a few events and circumstances, I can count on my hands the nights in 2021 that I slept in a bed with my phone in next to my face and it’s not many more where I slept with it in the same room. But lets exclude hotel rooms from that because everyone knows there’s never a plug by the bed anyway. this did however make me get from the bed to check the phone and 99% of the time. I never went back to bed. Sure, I’m up now.

Just so you know, I’m not saying this to be smug or in a look-at-me way, but more to make the point that if you are planning to make a change in your life, give it time. Take it a day, a week, a month at a time. Notice it. Become aware of it. Lean in. Ask for help. Share the idea you have with your friend or a coach. Most importantly know the reason WHY you want to do it. If your reason why is strong enough, nothing and no one will stand in your way.

I really, really did not want to become this unconscious slave to my screen in the same place I go to rest to be the best version of me. I wanted to improve my sleep, have more energy. I didn’t want to go to sleep because my eyes were exhausted by the blue light streaming in or spend hours in the morning scrolling through and eating into the time I had hoped to be more productive therefore feeling guilty for “wasting life”

Right now, you might be OK with your phone habits, you might share your bed with someone you love that you get to speak to and have pillow talk with each night, therefore don’t have the same problem. However, if you do, this might help. If not, it will help you understand other parts of your life you could apply the same or a similar method. I actually just ignored a call from my friend Mitch while I was writing that last paragraph. I do acknowledge and feel the pressure to call him back now. Phone calls are still on.

Let’s be real, when we are changing behaviours, it takes time. You might have been operating your body and mind the same way for many years. It’s not going to be easy to change, undo those behaviours. Your brain is not an iOS that can be just updated and changed overnight. However, that doesn’t mean that change is impossible. You can do it! You need patience, awareness, understanding, sometimes help, always support and you need a big fat reason why.

Are you reading this thinking there is something in your way that might be stopping you from achieving your best self? Do you think getting help, support and guidance will help? Have you thought of trying some coaching?

Whatever the answers to those questions, I will leave you with this thought-

A lot of people out there believe in you and believe you can do anything. You probably believe in some people in your circles and see them as super humans. Well, it’s time to start believing in yourself too.

YOU’VE GOT THIS!